I'm kind of lost currently. I own my business and it kind of sucks. The money I make and can make is quite well, considering. I work from home, on a computer. The people I work with, they're kind of like a nameless, faceless group of people.
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I know this to be a fact. These Friday nights with you, my parents, my brother and his wife, and our next door neighbor or the best nights of my life. When they do stop, I know Friday nights will never be the same. The mood, the vibe of those nights is something special. How we all separate into two groups and do our own things but at the same time, it's all the same. I remember thinking this when I took a break from playing pool and stepped outside to have a smoke, I saw all of the laughing and drinking. How everyone was talking and acting, I knew in that moment that nothing will ever beat these Friday nights with these people that I care about the most. These are the best days of my life and I spend them drunk and happy with my family. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Over the years, me and my family didn't always get along and most of the time together was brutal. But, this past year, things are different. We can now bond together. We have come to terms with each other. I finally, for the first time in my life, feel like a part of the family. I used to have a fairly serious drug problem, when I was younger. I'd be an asshole to say that it didn't affect the people around me and It definitely fucked up most, if not all, of my relationships. Hell, the things I did and said to people because I was so fucked up, it blows my mind. When I think back on some of the things I said, I cringe and wish that it was all a fucked up dream. Telling people these ridiculous lies so they wouldn't get close to me, telling people some sick and twisted shit trying to find a way out. And, looking back, I don't even know why. These people I did those things to, were amazing people. Truly, I had dated and befriended some of most amazing, selfless, and all around courageous people but I was bored.
I guess It's just kind of weird looking back now, now that I've got a clear head on my shoulders. Thinking about all of those things I did and said and seeing where I am now. Looking at all of the good people I lost. Realizing all of the good friends that died while in the same struggle that I was once in. Yet, for some reason, I made it out. It's a weird feeling knowing that you and people you were so close to struggled with the same thing and one person came out okay whereas the other didn't make it. It's a burden of sorts that I must carry every day. It's something I must acknowledge and accept every morning. I was always told that the truth will set you free, that when you open up and bring out this type of shit, you'll often feel better. But, I've found the more I open up about this serious shit, that if anything, I feel worse. The truth doesn't set you free, the truth just hurts. The truth is just fucked up. But, if I am going to be honest about anything, it'll be to say this: "To those friends and relationships that I've fucked up from drugs, I do not regret it. I do not regret hurting you. I don't feel sorry. I'm not sorry. That's life, sometimes you fuck up, but when it comes down to it, we always arrive at the station were supposed to eventually. If I've hurt you, you're welcome. You've become stronger, more calloused. You're tougher. You don't trust as easily. I did you a favor because everyone is out to get theirs and sometimes that means fucking you over to get it." I think I'm going to stop brushing my hair. What's the point. I'll brush it and two minutes later there's more knots.
I once new a gal named Jadyne. She was a magnificent, little fiery pixie. She had this way about life that was refreshing and, not to mention, she had this beauty that, at the time, was absolutely unmatched in any person that I had ever met before in my entire life. When I 'met' her, I honestly thought to myself,
"Shit, this girl has such potential to be the one. She's literally everything I have ever dreamed of." She harmonized with the world around her much like the way I had always tried to but it didn't always seem to work out quite like that for me, mostly due to a coldness and bitterness in my heart. Then, as it would so happen, she was mine. Surely and truly, I was able to call this wonderful creature mine, but it would be very short-lived. I had been single for quite some time and was not used to the new fresh scent of relationship and my flirty side came out, which I did actually tell her because I felt I should and that's where it ended. I was hurting. But, I had hurt her too and it absolutely sucked. For the next couple months, I spent it in a drunken stupor. Drugs and alcohol were basically my life at the time, I had said fuck it. But that's when I met her, Jasmine. She took my breathe away. I thought, no way in a million years would this woman be interested in me. One night, I saw her in the cafe, so I sat down and talked to her. Everything else just blurred, it was just me and her, nothing else mattered. Nothing else was even there. A half hour conversation seemed to last for hours but at the same time, it all went by in the blink of an eye. I had invited her over to the art building where I had to work late to finish a project. We sat in there for a couple hours, talking as I slowly did my project. Jasmine was a one of a kind woman. No, she was just a child, just freshly 18 a few months earlier, but she was amazing, nonetheless. She had this thought, that she didn't want to live past her 21st birthday. She had a dream that she thought was an impossibility. She was more beautiful than anything and everyone I had ever met. If I were to go blind, I would wish she were the last thing I would see because that's how truly breathe taking she is. A petite little thing but with a mind that has the capability to blow you away. But the weird thing was, she thought she was nothing. There was one hitch though, I was a few weeks shy of moving back to Florida. Knowing this, it probably made this whole entire situation worse, amplified feelings. Prior to meeting her, my entire life was flipped upside down. Everything hit the shitter and I felt like I hit rock bottom, but knowing her, I was on cloud 9. During my short time with this incredible girl, I had changed, and I had changed her, or at least that's what she confessed. She told me she didn't want to die anymore. That she was happier knowing me. Then, it would happen, 3 nights before I was to move back to Florida, she kissed me, absolutely jumped me is more like it, but the feeling, it punched me in the stomach. I don't think I had ever felt so strongly about a kiss before in my life, the events following said kiss, I will not divulge, (oh fine, we had sex, for like 2 fucking hours too). The night after though, we were under this pole, that had Christmas lights surrounding it going to the ground. We were joined in hands and spinning around. We talked alot that night. When it came down to it, she took my pack of cigarettes, grabbed one of them, flipped it upside down, shoved it back in there and said to me this statement, "Save this cigarette because when we meet again, you'll smoke yours and Ill smoke mine. Don't smoke it before then. Keep it." That was mid December of 2012. The next followings months, we would talk periodically. Nothing special, nothing even close to resembling conversations that we had once had. Til, eventually, the conversations stopped. Replies were left unanswered. Now, it's as if we didn't exist at all. The only thing that was left, was a cigarette with the name Jasmine on the filter. That was my only physical evidence that any of this had really happened. But, now it's gone. Thrown in the trash. Much like the relationship or even the friendship that once was. Now, it's just another memory that I'll likely forget one day soon. Of a girl, who was so absolutely perfect. Someone who I thought the world of. I've always wanted to travel and not in the sense of traveling of what I was used to growing up and until I was 20 years old. I mean, a true moment bearing, soul ripening adventure. I've been to places and seen some shit but it wasn't traveling. It was business. Traveling to these different cities and states, meeting all of those people, it was never really an adventure. We came, we saw, we did our shit, and we left. We didn't go out into the small areas that are hard to find. We didn't go out aimlessly. When we left, we knew our destination, straight shot there, straight shot the fuck out of there.
I got my first glimpse of what it's like to 'travel' in my hometown. It was in 2007, I had a bad night, the night before, I jumped in my truck, with no direction or an idea. No plan. I just left and drove. I had lived, pretty much, the entirety of my life. And I had found a place that I had never been before. In fact, when I brought it up to some people, nobody had an idea that this place was even there. Then, when my 'traveling' really began to blossom was when I was at the 2nd college I attended. It was in the mountains, over in Tennessee. I was in an absolutely gorgeous area, with only one thing matching it's beauty but I do believe that's another story. It was after I quit the sports team that I even went to the school for, in the first place. There were 2 months left of the semester and I decided to, at least, finish out the semester. Which, resulted in me missing a month and a half of class straight because I was usually too shit-faced or stoned to even make it. But, when i wasn't too busy fucked up, I was out there. Walking the mountains. Adventuring, spending hours upon hours looking through the cracks, creeks, caves, crevices, waterfalls, everything. I'd easily spend 10-11 hours just to satisfy my craving. But, it wasn't enough. So, I'd go even further, getting lost was a necessity. The things I saw and experienced, it brought new life to me. Life wasn't as shallow and shitty as I thought it was. But, most of all, I learned that if anything were to ever happen to me, the world would go on, without even noticing that I'm not there anymore. Nature would keep on rolling without me. It was a sobering moment because to many people I was their world, or at least that's what they had thought and/or sad at the time. People looked up to me, I was a role model to some. But, out there, in the wild, I was nothing. I was nothing more then a small ant in a large pile. I still remember, it was Thanksgiving day and everyone was gone but me. I was alone at the dorms, so I decided to just get out there, go up in the mountain, got to a small area, a clearing and I just laid down. Staring up at the sky, watching the wind move all of the trees, all the shrubs and tall grass just blowing. It was one of the most amazing things I had witnessed before. Everything was so peaceful. Nothing else in the world mattered or made sense, or maybe nothing in the world made more sense. I felt completely in peace. I laid there for hours, just watching as all of these trees swayed side to side. The sound of the wind ripping through the leaves and grass. It was a gentle yet powerful sound. Much like when you're laying on the beach and it's completely silent and all you can hear if the waves crashing down. It's such a powerful force but it sounds so peaceful, so relaxed, so gentle. Now a days though, I don't get too many of those peaceful moments. It seems my life doesn't get to slow down enough anymore. Most days, I just wish I would spend an entire paycheck on a kayak and just take off on an adventure, not ever looking back, to pull a Christopher McCandless. Just leave, forget and discard all of this bullshit that keeps us from experiencing all life has to offer. Change my name and disappear, leave small traces of myself through the world in the people I meet and the towns I visit. Just small pieces of who I am and who I was. But, how do you really do that, I suppose you could just up and leave. But, if you survive, when your adventure is over, your friends and family won't even know you anymore. You'll have nothing to come back to. It would be too hard to start back up from nothing at an older age. It's hard enough to keep things together now and the world is advancing at such a fast pace. These ideas and dreams just aren't very practical in today's world anymore. And that's a damn shame. It's weird how time has progressed and what is deemed as normal now versus what used to be normal. I'll be right outside, in my garage, having a smoke and drinking a beer on a stool right after a workout and my neighbors will come over thinking something's wrong. I remember years ago, it was normal to be outside, to be outside from sunrise to sunset and even way into the night. Now, it seems like if you're outside, you've got a problem. You've got alot on your mind or something of the sorts.
I guess, especially lately, I've been having a hard time grasping the concept that we should be all cooped up inside, feet kicked up with the remote in hand watching one of the thousands upon thousands of channels. HD, Tv-on Demand, and TIVO, it's all kind of sickening. And the sad part is, I'm part of it. When I'm not at work, absolutely killing myself for a paycheck that's supposed allow me to live comfortably (even though, I'm barely scraping by), I spend most of my time, lounging around like the rest of us, taking in copious amounts of Netflix and television shows. And the fucked up part is that I justify it. I fucking justify laying around all night watching this bullshit because I think if I actually go do something, I'm not going to have the energy to do my work the following day. But, every now and then, I realize what I'm doing and I kick my ass into gear. I force myself out of this horrible habit of being almost hermit-like. And especially lately, I've come to realize that I want more out of this life then what I've been putting into it. I don't understand why we can't make it normal to just be outside again. To put down all of the technology, to turn off our mobile phones, disconnect our televisions and just live our lives the way things used to be. For a week, even just for a week it would be amazing to see the consequences of doing this. But, people would never go for it. It's sad, really, that a mobile phone can be someones entire life, more or less. For fucks sake, we can't even go to a god damn restaurant without almost burning our thumbs off from all of the texting and mobile phone games, instead of actually talking to our dates or families that we went out to eat with in the first place. About two months ago, I witnessed, at a small local restaurant that I love to frequent, this family was waiting to be seated. The two children with their parents were just fidgeting around on their mobile phones while their parents were trying to talk to them. It's like they couldn't even hear them, that they were so engrossed in a text conversation that they couldn't even be bothered to listen to their parents, who were taking the time out of their lives to not only go take their kids to this nice establishment but to also PAY for their kids meals. Maybe it's just me, but I believe something has to be done. The amount of disrespect that technology has taught the children of today, it's amazing. It's wrong. It's sad. It really does make me sad. I still remember the first time I ever heard of a rim job. I was in the 4th grade and this kid in my class was talking about blowjobs and rimjobs. He wasn't really going into detail about it at all, so I had no idea what he was talking about. At the time, I worked with my father at his job sites and I had helped cut the grass, edge, hedge and use a blower, so when I heard blowjobs, I had assumed it was a job using a blower and rimjobs was a job installing new rims or cleaning rims. Man, was I off or what.
About a week later, there was this guy, his name is Jerry. He worked with my father. It was on a weekend night, hours after work. My father had just went inside to get another beer, and I was outside with Jerry and I asked him about it. He just laughed and said, "When you're older, you'll know." A couple years later, I had experienced my first blowjob. It was such a unique feeling. Sitting in the back corner of a movie theatre, this girl that I hadn't known but for about 2 months, I sat there, clasping the arms to those cheap, dirty movie chairs, which now looking back, I don't even want to imagine how often those chairs are cleaned, if at all. But, it wasn't until 7 years after I first heard of a rimjob, that I would ever actually develop the nerve to do it. To do something, that many consider to be taboo. A forbidden fruit. When something is considered to be forbidden or taboo, it often gives it that 'Oh I should not be doing this but god dammit am I glad I am' feeling. And that's something that we should all respect. The other day, my boss and I were talking and he went on to tell me that he has never nor ever will go down on a female. His take on it was that it was gross and unsanitary. Which probably explains why he has never been in a successful or happy relationship and probably never will. That kind of thinking really just bothers me, going down on a female is not gross or disgusting or any of the above. Going down on a female is like creating art, to not only get down up in there and make shit happen with precision, you get to create something beautiful. To really, truly, control the situation, you get to hold her down and make her quiver in delight. Once she gets too close to that erotic explosion, you take it away. You tease her, you let her know that you're in charge that you're going to take care of her but it's not going to be too quick. It's going to be a journey, in which, she will get a burning desire to just let go and release an inner basic animal instinct, an instinct that men act on very often.
I'm just going to state this now, if you want a happy relationship, you'll fucking man up, get down on your knees and lick that fucking pussy, whether you like it or not, you will learn to love it. And now a message to the women: If a man refuses to do it, he's probably not the right man for you then. And my advice to my boss: Man up and eat that fucking clam. |