I used to have a fairly serious drug problem, when I was younger. I'd be an asshole to say that it didn't affect the people around me and It definitely fucked up most, if not all, of my relationships. Hell, the things I did and said to people because I was so fucked up, it blows my mind. When I think back on some of the things I said, I cringe and wish that it was all a fucked up dream. Telling people these ridiculous lies so they wouldn't get close to me, telling people some sick and twisted shit trying to find a way out. And, looking back, I don't even know why. These people I did those things to, were amazing people. Truly, I had dated and befriended some of most amazing, selfless, and all around courageous people but I was bored.
I guess It's just kind of weird looking back now, now that I've got a clear head on my shoulders. Thinking about all of those things I did and said and seeing where I am now. Looking at all of the good people I lost. Realizing all of the good friends that died while in the same struggle that I was once in. Yet, for some reason, I made it out. It's a weird feeling knowing that you and people you were so close to struggled with the same thing and one person came out okay whereas the other didn't make it. It's a burden of sorts that I must carry every day. It's something I must acknowledge and accept every morning.
I was always told that the truth will set you free, that when you open up and bring out this type of shit, you'll often feel better. But, I've found the more I open up about this serious shit, that if anything, I feel worse. The truth doesn't set you free, the truth just hurts. The truth is just fucked up. But, if I am going to be honest about anything, it'll be to say this:
"To those friends and relationships that I've fucked up from drugs, I do not regret it. I do not regret hurting you. I don't feel sorry. I'm not sorry. That's life, sometimes you fuck up, but when it comes down to it, we always arrive at the station were supposed to eventually. If I've hurt you, you're welcome. You've become stronger, more calloused. You're tougher. You don't trust as easily. I did you a favor because everyone is out to get theirs and sometimes that means fucking you over to get it."
I guess It's just kind of weird looking back now, now that I've got a clear head on my shoulders. Thinking about all of those things I did and said and seeing where I am now. Looking at all of the good people I lost. Realizing all of the good friends that died while in the same struggle that I was once in. Yet, for some reason, I made it out. It's a weird feeling knowing that you and people you were so close to struggled with the same thing and one person came out okay whereas the other didn't make it. It's a burden of sorts that I must carry every day. It's something I must acknowledge and accept every morning.
I was always told that the truth will set you free, that when you open up and bring out this type of shit, you'll often feel better. But, I've found the more I open up about this serious shit, that if anything, I feel worse. The truth doesn't set you free, the truth just hurts. The truth is just fucked up. But, if I am going to be honest about anything, it'll be to say this:
"To those friends and relationships that I've fucked up from drugs, I do not regret it. I do not regret hurting you. I don't feel sorry. I'm not sorry. That's life, sometimes you fuck up, but when it comes down to it, we always arrive at the station were supposed to eventually. If I've hurt you, you're welcome. You've become stronger, more calloused. You're tougher. You don't trust as easily. I did you a favor because everyone is out to get theirs and sometimes that means fucking you over to get it."